When Grief Debt Comes to Collect
The universe has a sense of humor. At least that’s what it feels like.
In 2022, I bought myself a promise ring from Catbird in New York City. It’s a small silver pinky ring, the only one I felt comfortable affording at the time. I promised myself that the company I was working for back then would be the last. So when I was let go in 2024, even though it would have made sense to maintain my highly-skilled worker’s visa and continue receiving the 30% tax break, I had to keep my promise and become self-employed.
I had already planned on striking out as a coach, but felt I was missing something. About a month later, I came across Spinal Energetics and recognized it as the missing piece to my new career puzzle.
Naturally, I thought the universe had sent very clear signals for me to venture into solopreneurship as a full-time healer. You know, someone who supports others in their healing journey. And while I have been happily doing this, I’m realizing now, two years in, that actually what the universe really meant was that I needed to focus on my healing full-time.
It takes so much energy just to stay the same.
Because let me tell you, there has been nothing more confronting than having to fend work for myself. There is literally no one else to blame, although I have tried to pin it on my parents, The System, billionaires, etc. And I can’t phone-it-in. I need to maintain a clear channel to process psychic guidance and my clients’ heavy truths. Meaning I have to be on top of my game all the time. My mental, emotional, and physical states are more of a liability now than ever. And I think this is why I haven’t been successful yet.
I could continue as I had been, trod along and build on the bit of traction I’ve managed to obtain. But the promise I made wasn’t just about becoming self-employed. It was more about living authentically as me. I want to honor my varying energy levels and sensitivities. I don’t want to override how I feel just because I’ve been contracted to. I want to go as fast or as slow as I need. I don’t want to work the same hours every day, give cookie-cutter solutions, or perform to other people’s expectations. I want to trust myself so much that I can be fully present and live in the moment. It sounds chaotic without any structure or order, and it can be if I’m not aligned. But when I get it right, when I take the time and care to attune to the energy in and around me, the work flows like a beautiful symphony. Everything falls perfectly into place.
And right now, my ability to attune and conduct this orchestra is at a fraction of what it should be. The success I desire is so close. It’s within reach, but I can’t grab it; it’s too heavy to hold. It’s not a matter of self-esteem, needing rest, or making myself stronger; this is purely a capacity issue.
This box has layers, and with compounding interest, the debt is quick to build back up.
I have this metaphorical box that I’ve been carrying around, full of unresolved grief and trauma. And every year I continue to hold onto it, the heavier the box gets. It feels counterintuitive to say, but while change can be difficult, it takes so much energy just to stay the same, to continue holding onto this box. This is grief debt. And I’m running out of credit.
I’ve attempted to pay down this debt and unpack the box before. I’ve used talk therapy, plant medicine, lifestyle changes, self-help books, and various esoteric practices like the ones I’m trained in. They’ve all supported me in their unique ways and have helped me get to where I am now. But like a Russian doll, this box has layers, and with compounding interest, the debt is quick to build back up.
I feel this debt in my soul. It’s the weight of the opportunity cost of staying the same, of not becoming who I came here to be. Our time is limited. The more we spend, the higher its price. As it increases, so does the weight of the unresolved past. I may have already lived half my life. I have no desire to carry this burden to my grave, nor for any longer.
It sounds simple to let go of a box, metaphorical or not. But that’s not how trauma is stored. The trauma affecting me now started before I had a concept of self, before I could hold memories, and it was actively reinforced throughout my childhood. This has literally shaped me into who I am. It’s embedded in my personality, my values, and beliefs. It’s going to require what feels like psychic surgery and rigorous, persistent PT to undo the crossed wires in my neural network.
I can’t handle any more setbacks; I would have to declare life-bankruptcy.
The hardest thing to admit is that part of me doesn't want to change because I don’t know who I would be otherwise. My brain says we’ve come so far, we’re still alive, and life isn’t so bad if we continue to coast and stay as we are. And what if changing means I lose all that I have now (my relationships, possessions, my comfort with myself, etc)? Basically, don’t fix what ain’t broken.
But every time there’s something I want, I hesitate. I either talk myself out of wanting it or tell myself I’m not good enough and watch it slip away. I hate the way I react to stress, how I take it out on the people I care about most. And I’m tired of being hypervigialent and hypersensitive, driving my need to control others and my environment. I’m worn down from all the self-doubt and its constant cycle of waiting for permission and validation. I’ve been living small and continue to shrink, being crushed by the weight of this debt. As much as I have compassion for who I am now, I know there’s more to who I can be.
The whispers of my suicidal ideation grow louder because I can’t stomach living another moment like this, confined by these limiting beliefs. It’s not about lacking gratitude or perspective, it’s about knowing a different truth exists and being unwilling to deny it.
The reason I’ve kept my distance from others or from living fully is because I can’t handle any more heartbreak; I would have to declare life-bankruptcy. But I owe it to everyone—to all of my selves: past, present, and future; and to those I care for dearly—to make this change.
I can’t erase the past, it’s not the point anyway. It’s not about erasing memories but rather creating space around them so they don’t continue to devastate me every time they’re remembered. There’s a me who isn’t inhibited by the past; who responds calmly to stressors; speaks to and treats others with love; who trusts herself and knows there’s another way when one path doesn’t work.
Prune what drains me and only allow in what nourishes me.
Though the healing journey is continuous, this time I’m pushing pedal to the metal. I’m taking a more rigorous and systemic approach than before by committing to weekly EMDR sessions, supplementing it with somatic coaching, and Spinal Energetics. I’m continuing to take care of my physical health to ensure I am well-resourced. This looks like prioritizing sleep; going to yoga, pilates, and bouldering; having regular meals (not just snacking); and using my TCM knowledge to attune to my body's signals, especially around my periods. Finally, and this is probably the most significant of all, I’m going to treat Amsterdam as a home.* Having moved so often, I figured my stint in the Netherlands was just that, another stint. But for the first time, as cliche as this is, I’m seeing there’s value to growing where I’m planted. This looks like investing in social wealth through friends, volunteering, and attending more community events and activities.
I don’t know how long this part of the journey will take. As I mentioned in the post on FCT, a doorway’s been revealed and I know there’s a new path behind it, if only I choose to open it. I think this looks like feeling at ease with myself and the choices I get to make; falling in love with life itself, not just begrudgingly existing; and investing in the life I want by pruning what drains me and only allowing in what nourishes me.
I can hear a more harmonious symphony playing somewhere in the distance. Let it lead me to my salvation.
*Drafted this line the day before I learned about my visa renewal complications. There are no coincidences.
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The voice, ideas, and perspective in this essay are 100% mine. However, I did use Gemini as my editor to help perfect the structure and refine the flow.